CRAIG BROWN: How common to say hello before noon! The Crown (Season 4) Part II

SCENE 1

Prince Charles (looking vexed and pained): I – I – I don’t quite know how to put this. Really most awkward! But will you, er, er — I’m so sorry, but, for the life of me, I can’t quite remember your name!

Diana: Diana!

Prince Charles: How clever of you. I knew it began with ‘D’. So — where was I? — will you, er, er, remind me.

Diana: Diana!

Prince Charles: Yes, will you, Diana, er, marry — as it were — me?

Diana: Oh, yes! Oh, Charles! This is the happiest day of my life!

Emma Corrin in ‘The Crown’ Season 4 with Josh O’Connor

Prince Charles: Not Charles. Sir.

Diana: This is the happiest day of my life, sir!

Prince Charles: There must surely have been happier days. It’s not done to gush. I suppose it’s time we ‘got to know one another’. Whatever that means. So. Tell me about yourself. Have you come far?

Diana: Well, I’m 19 years old and I’m absolutely MAD on George Michael.

Prince Charles: Goodness, is that the time? I must be off!

Enter Butler

Butler: Mrs Parker Bowles is on the phone, Your Royal Highness!

Prince Charles: Tell her I’m busy.

Butler: Certainly, sir. (turns to Diana): The Prince of Wales is busy.

SCENE 2

The sitting room at Buckingham Palace. Prince Charles crouches in the corner, his head in his hands. Princess Anne, in training for Badminton, prances around the room on her hobby-horse. Prince Philip is hard at work, cutting the head off a dead stag. Princess Margaret sighs wearily. The Queen Mother relaxes in her favourite arm chair, skinning a rabbit, while her friend, Diana’s grandmother Ruth, Lady Fermoy, tenderly pulls the wings off a fly.

Ruth, Lady Fermoy: It’s for it’s own good. Wings are so desperately common!

Enter Diana.

Diana: Hello, Granny!

A sharp intake of breath from the entire family.

Princess Margaret: Can you believe it?! She said ‘Hello’!

Princess Anne: A true Royal knows never to say ‘Hello’ before noon!

Prince Philip: What is the world coming to?

Queen Mother: And — heaven forfend! — one should never say ‘Granny’ if there’s no ‘r’ in the month. Only ‘Grandmama’. A drastic transformation of this young girl is most urgently required. Would Barbara Woodhouse be available?

Diana (noticing Charles in the corner): Hello, sir!

Prince Charles: Have you come far? Keep you busy, do they?

SCENE 3

Ruth, Lady Fermoy is hard at work training Diana to be more Royal.

Diana: ‘How now brown cow.’

Ruth, Lady Fermoy: Stupid girl! One never engages in conversation with a cow. Upon visiting a farmyard, one should first address the senior horse, and then, in order of precedence, the senior sheep, the senior pig and the senior hen.

Of course, within each category there is a strict different order of precedence. For example, as far as hens are concerned, one would never address an Orpington before a Norfolk Grey, and if a Derbyshire Redcap were in attendance, well, she would rightly expect and deserve a private audience. Have you got that, Diana — well, have you?

At this point, Ruth, Lady Fermoy marches outside. A shot is heard. She re-enters, bearing a dead stag.

Ruth, Lady Fermoy: And, of course, a dead stag takes precedence over the wife of the younger son of a Duke, except in Scotland, where the wife of a Knight Grand Cross of the Thistle must curtsey to the eldest son of the youngest daughter of the Lord Advocate. Unless, of course, a doctor’s certificate has been obtained.

A young Lady Diana Spencer played by Emma Corrin in a scene of ‘The Crown ‘

SCENE 4

Westminster Abbey. The wedding rehearsal.

Archbishop of Canterbury: Wilt thou, Charles Philip Arthur George, have this woman to be thy lawfully wedded wife?

Prince Charles: If I must.

Diana: You don’t sound very enthusiastic, Charles.

Queen Mother: Doesn’t she know it’s very COMMON to sound enthusiastic? His great uncle David showed enthusiasm — and look what happened to him.

scene 5

Outside the Abbey. Both Prince Charles and Lady Diana are in tears.

Queen: Well that all went marvellously, I thought.

Queen Mother: I don’t think I’ve ever seen a happier couple!

Prince Philip: The real wedding’s tomorrow, so let’s keep Diana under lock and key until then. Just in case she gets those ‘last-minute jitters’, y’know.