Dear Jane,
My sister and her husband got a divorce last year and it was all very ugly.
There were gross insults, fights over money and arguments about who would get what.
The whole messy saga left my sister wishing to cut him out of her life forever – which was understandable.
But then she demanded that our entire family do the same – and that wasn’t something that I was willing to do.
Her husband and I were friends before they started dating.
I introduced them!
Dear Jane, My sister and her husband got a divorce last year and it was all very ugly.
I’ve known him for over a decade. And if I’m being honest, I often like hanging out with him more than I like hanging out with her.
Dirty divorce aside, he’s a great guy and one of the few men I’d consider to be part of my close friend group.
When I told my sister that I wasn’t comfortable shutting him out of my life, she lost her s*** at me. But I calmly replied that I don’t think it’s fair to force me to pretend that he doesn’t exist.
At first, she took it well and let it go, but then she started bugging me about him, asking loads of questions about what he was up to, what we’d been speaking about and when I’d last seen him.
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I started to feel like I was being used as a spy.
Finally, I refused to keep reporting back to her and – surprise! – she exploded again, demanding that I stop speaking to him.
So, I told her the truth: He’s more of a friend to me than she’s ever been.
Now she’s since turned things into a total drama, dragging our entire family into it and attempting to make them side with her.
I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings by telling the truth, but it seemed like the only way to help her move on. But I’ve only given her more fuel for her sob story.
Jane, how would you handle this?
From,
Sibling Rivalry
Dear Sibling Rivalry,
Lord, how I hate this notion of having to take sides during a divorce.
Yes, divorce is brutal. And yes, people often find themselves furious with those they once loved.
But for a sister to demand insane loyalty from her sibling and family – and to expect them to upend their lives to satisfy her thirst for retribution – is unacceptable.
For that’s what this is about. Your sister wants to use you as a tool to punish her ex. That’s unfair.
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I’ve even known of resentful divorcees who seek to turn their children against the other parent.
That, to me, is a particularly heinous act, especially when children are often already feeling lost and confused by their parents’ split.
In general, this type of behavior is destructive for everyone involved.
Sibling Rivalry, you must be very firm with your sister.
Tell her that you are no longer willing to discuss her ex in any way.
Explain to her that you have not taken sides – but that simply you will not discuss him with her, or vice versa.
You are, in fact, trying to help her heal by not indulging her impulse to engage in toxic behavior.
The longer she holds on to her anger, the longer it will take her to come to grips with her divorce and move on with her life.
Stand strong when she inevitably explodes.
It takes two to fight. If she ignores your wishes and tries to argue, then calmly walk away.
If your sister refuses to see your point of view, then – sadly – you may have to spend time apart. The distance may give her some perspective.
Your family will see your measured response and rally to your position because you are truly acting in your sister’s – and your family’s – best interest.
I wish you much luck.
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