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Roughly one quarter of Britons admit they’ve been in love with more than one person at the same time and two thirds of Americans think it is entirely possible.
It’s an unpleasant thought for anyone in a committed relationship with a partner they love and are faithful to, but many people do end up torn between two (or more) lovers.
In the majority of cases, it’s usually about choosing between an established relationship and a new one.
There you are, quite contentedly sailing along with a partner until – Wham! – out of the blue someone appears who makes your heart thump out of your chest and liquefies your loins.
Then you’re faced with a huge dilemma: which should you go for? The tried-and-true or new and infinitely more exciting?
Here’s what two real women told me about their experiences.
Sex therapist Tracey Cox reveals if it is possible to love two people at once after speaking with two women who think it is (stock image)
Tracey (pictured) gives tips on what to do if you want to sleep with two people at once, including being clear with your intentions
Chrissie, 38, a journalist, had to choose between old and new love
‘I had to choose between my husband of four years and another man I’d started having an affair with. It crippled me for more than a year and was the most stressful period of my life.
I’d been with my husband for ten years and our relationship had become companionable friendship.
We were inseparable and mad about each other for the first four years – I used to worry I loved him a little too much. But a decade is a long time to stay intensely in love.
I wasn’t looking for an affair, but I was definitely feeling bored and up for some excitement. I met the person at a work event of my husband’s.
My husband was handsome and successful, this guy was quite ordinary in comparison. But the attraction was instant and reciprocated.
I’d sneak off to see him either at his house (where his flatmate glared at us judgementally) or in out of the way restaurants.
When I wasn’t with him, I’d long for him. Physically ache with longing.
I agonised over whether to leave or stay. I knew you can’t compare a long-term relationship with a short term one, they are so different. But in the end, infatuation won and I left my marriage to be with this guy.
Within four months, I bitterly regretted it. I quickly saw him for what he was – a nice but unremarkable person who wasn’t remotely as interesting as my husband.
My husband wouldn’t have me back and I’ve still not forgiven myself five years later. My advice? The grass isn’t greener.’
Lyndsay, 46, a lawyer, truly loved her husband and his best friend at the same time
‘I can absolutely vouch that you can love two people, deeply and intimately, at one time. Trust me, I did this for nearly ten years before I did the ultimate in betrayal: I left my husband of 15 years for his best friend.
The three of us were close right from the start. I even met both of them at the same time and for years, it was wonderful.
I adored my husband and loved his best friend as a friend. He was best man at our wedding!
Then my husband went away for a month for work. His friend came over like he always did, most Saturday nights.
He was single at the time and hadn’t been with anyone for years, since he split up with a long-term girlfriend. I’d often wondered why – then I found out.
After a couple of bottles of wine, he blurted out that he loved me and had always loved me.
I was shocked and asked him to leave. Then very confused. I was always very protective over him and didn’t much like his ex. I wondered if I was jealous.
I didn’t see him for three days then we met to talk it through. I suspected I also had feelings but didn’t want to admit or act on them. Nothing happened for four years.
I never, ever stopped loving my husband and hoped my feelings for his friend wouldn’t develop. But they did.
We kissed once, five years after he’d said he loved me, and that was it.
I was then in love with two men, desperately loved both of them, with nothing but unbearable choices ahead of me.
Both of us loved my husband and the thought of hurting him and taking away both his wife and best friend was unthinkable.
Eventually, of course, we got caught. I suspect it was the worst day of our lives for all three of us. I have never forgiven myself, neither has my partner.
My husband wanted nothing to do with either of us and while we are happy and still together, we live with tremendous guilt.’
TRACEY’S VERDICT: You can have feelings for more than one person, but the solution is all down to choice and commitment
Chrissie’s story is a familiar one. In my experience, people often regret leaving a long-established relationship for someone else – particularly if they do it in the first few months of meeting someone.
Why do we throw caution to the wind? Probably because we forget something rather important.
While we might love our old love, if you’ve been together a while, it’s more a comfortable sort of feeling. Like sitting in front of a fire with a nice glass of wine.
New love is like being on a rollercoaster, laughing hysterically and screaming from the top of your lungs.
It’s like comparing a pair of worn-in, comfy slippers to the new killer heels you bought last week.
How can you choose? You want both.
For many people, being truly in love means you can’t possibly fall for someone else.
The definition of true love means one person satisfies everything: love is a feeling you can only feel for one person at any time.
But the human heart is a generous organ.
If you’re a warm, open person who adores meeting new people, you could fall in love with ten people at once if you let yourself.
We’ve all got the potential.
One person might appeal to the adventurous side of us, the part that wants wild sex and excitement. Another person might make us feel safe, secure and deeply loved.
We think nothing of having lots of different friends, who we like for different reasons, but don’t like to think this could apply to romantic relationships as well.
As a society, we’re a lot more open to polyamory (having a relationship with more than one person at once with full permission from everyone involved) but it’s still viewed suspiciously.
It’s a rare person who decides they can handle more than one love relationship at the same time (even if sex is quite another matter).
What stops the majority of people falling for more than one person at once, is commitment to the relationship we’re already in and time and energy.
It’s hard enough making one relationship work let alone two of them simultaneously.
Commitment is the key word here. It’s an unpopular thing to say but contrary to what romantics espouse…love is a choice.
You don’t ‘fall’ in love. There is always a point when you know your feelings for someone else are getting dangerously out of control, if you’re already committed.
You can’t stop feeling naturally attracted to someone – but you can stop it developing into something more serious by restricting the time you spend with that person and refusing to let them in.
Deep, true intimacy needs time to develop. If you don’t give infatuation what it needs to change from a crush into something real – time together to get to know each other properly – it peters out.
Being excited by someone and sexually excited by them isn’t love, it’s infatuation.
Knowing the difference will save you one hell of a lot of heartache.
Check out Tracey’s brand new website at traceycox.com.
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