Ever wished you could tell what sort of lover someone would be before you jump between the sheets?
Well, who says you can’t judge a book by its cover!
Everything from the way we eat, dance, kiss, cuddle and hold hands give vital clues on the type of lover we are.
Our clothes, mannerisms, style, appetite and body language are all symbolic of how we are sexually – and therefore damn good indicators of how we’re likely to behave in bed.
Ready to become a sexual psychic?
Here’s some sneaky ways to spot your perfect sex match.
Tracey Cox said everything from the way we eat, dance, kiss, cuddle and hold hands give vital clues on the type of lover we are and shared sneaky ways to spot your perfect sex match (file photo)
YOU WANT A SENSUAL, EROTIC LOVER
If your idea of perfect sex focuses on the journey rather than destination orgasm, you want a partner who enjoys long, sensual pre-sex massages, unhurried oral sex sessions and inventive, erotic play.
Find them by looking for someone who has…
Patience: ‘Speed’ is a characteristic that few people take into account when looking for a partner but it’s important. Fast people who are mentally onto the next task before completing the first, might be dynamic lovers but they’re rarely sensual. People who move at a slower pace and pay attention to detail tend to be.
OTHER WAYS TO SPOT YOUR PERFECT SEX MATCH
Don’t have a sexual type but absolutely want someone who is sexually experienced and good in bed?
You’ll find subtle (and not-so-subtle) clues here.
How’s their touch?
How generous are they with their affection?
Does his baby sister get a huge hug hello and his male friends a firm handshake and warm pat on the back? Is she stiff and rigid when others dare to invade her personal space, keeping everyone at arm’s length?
The more comfortable the person is with expressing affection, the more affectionate and loving they’ll be during sex.
How close they stand hints at the level of intimacy they’re comfortable with: physical distance often translates to emotional and sexual distance.
Men who cup your face in their hands before moving in for contact. These are romantic souls who want to gaze lovingly at your face – or they’re intense, passionate lovers who want full, reciprocal focus.
Most promising sexually is someone who’ll kiss with their lips and touch you somewhere else with their hands at the same time. A kiss is far more arousing and erotic if there’s double stimulation. People who use a variety of kissing techniques – nips, chews, bites and licks – and really explore all of your mouth are (you guessed it) oral fixated. Damn fine oral sex is top of your list? You just found your perfect match!
How do they hold your hand?
If things have progressed to hand-holding stage, you’ve got another batch of clues. How they hold your hand is a significant indicator, not just of how they’ll perform in bed but how they’ll feel about you afterward.
If they intertwine their fingers with yours, they’re likely to be highly erotic. They’re touching every part of your hand which expresses a desire to be connected physically and emotionally. This person’s not afraid of intimacy.
At the opposite end are people who do half-hearted, fingertips only hand holds. Words like ‘lukewarm lover’ and ‘commitment phobe’ should spring to mind here, though shy and unsure are also possibles.
They opt for the standard palm-to-palm clasp? This shows affection and acceptance though it’s unlikely they’re going to surprise you sexually.
‘Touchable’ clothes and home furnishings: We all have a sensory preference: a way we prefer to communicate. Aural people by what they hear, visual people by what they see and kinesthetic people by what they touch and feel.
Sensual lovers are tactile: they’re primarily kinesthetic and like touchable, sumptuous fabrics and furnishings. If their clothes invite you to touch the fabric or their home décor has lots of contrasting textures (think velvet, fur, leather, shiny), you’re on the right track.
Erotic prints or artwork in their home: A truly erotic lover won’t hide it. They’re the ones with ‘etchings’ from the Kama Sutra or sexy charcoal nudes on their walls.
Eyes that linger on unusual erogenous zones: Ignore the person who blatantly states at the obvious – breasts, crotches, bottoms. Instead, opt for people who admire the nape of your neck, comment on the curve of shoulder, an elegant ankle.
The giveaway sign for an erotic lover: watch them eat
The food-sex connection has been around forever and few would deny the best lovers are hedonists: those who enjoy all the pleasures life has to offer.
Never is this more evident than when someone eats: a good appetite usually means they’ve got a lusty libido to match.
Watch the way someone eats for signs on how they might nibble on your ear, neck or other bits. Do they savour each mouthful of food – or simply inhale the plate?
The wham-bam-thankyou-man demolishes a hamburger in 10 seconds. The only-do-it-on-Sunday-morning-in-the-missionary-position woman pushes around a lettuce leaf and shows little interest in food.
If erotic is what you’re after, you want someone who experiments with different cuisines and isn’t afraid of exotic fare. Bread and butter taste in food = bread and butter sex.
The litmus test, if you want a sensual lover, is if they share their food with you. And don’t just offer you a taste, they choose the yummiest-tastiest bit for you to try – feeding it to you (of course), rather than simply handing over the fork.
YOU WANT A DOMINANT, ADVENTUROUS LOVER
If this ticks your box, you’re after someone who takes charge in the bedroom, enjoys power games and tie-up, challenging positions for intercourse and isn’t scared of role-play.
Be on the lookout for the person who is…
The life and soul of the party: In movies, it’s the introvert who takes off their clothes and sheds inhibitions to become wild in bed. In reality, extroverted people are more liable to be adventurous and open to new things sexually.
They take charge: If you want a dominant lover, find a person who is dominant in other areas of their life as well. The natural leader in a group, who organises people and assumes the ‘boss’ role easily.
They’re stylish dressers: They don’t need to be flamboyantly dressed (though they might be) but if someone is a daring lover, they’re unlikely make boring clothes choices. Go for a brave dresser, who has a varied wardrobe rather than six shirts in the same colour and style.
Imaginative: If they’re up for all sorts behind closed doors, they’re likely to have a rich fantasy life and vivid imagination. Listen for the person telling the best story, who can command and hold an audience.
Someone once said dancing is sex standing up and fully clothed. They were dead right – pay attention to what someone does on the dance floor, and you’ve just had a glimpse into what they’ll get up to in the bedroom.
If you’re looking for a dominant, adventurous lover, move away from anyone who’s self-conscious. If they look like they want the floor to swallow them, they’ll lack the confidence to be an inspired lover.
The British sex expert said that our clothes, mannerisms and appetite are all symbolic of how we are sexually and are therefore indicators of how we are likely to behave in bed
Also swerve away from anyone who can dance without ever moving the lower half of their body: a lack of connection to their pelvis usually means a lack of interest in sex.
Instead, opt for someone who lets loose on the dance floor and ‘feels’ the beat but doesn’t seem to care what people think.
If they can let go to music, chances are they’ll be uninhibited in the bedroom as well.
Variety is also important: if they’ve only got one or two moves on the dance floor, it usually means they’ve only got one or two variations in the bedroom as well.
YOU WANT A ROMANTIC LOVER WHO’S BIG ON INTIMACY
If sex for you is as much about connection and intimacy as it is pleasure, you want someone who seduces with words, takes their time to get to know you mentally before exploring you physically – and realises that foreplay starts way before you actually touch each other.
Keep your eyes peeled for ….
HOW TO SPOT A KINK
Want to know if someone you’ve got your eye on is into the same thing you are or has a sexual fetish?
You (may) find clues in some of the following.
What they’re wearing: Some say people who are into BDSM, tie-up or power games will often wear things wrapped around their wrists or necks. Leather chokers, lots of leather bracelets around the wrist, that type of thing. Corset-style tops on women or black ‘biker’ looking clothes on men are another supposed giveaway. Be warned though: when I spoke to some BDSM enthusiasts on Twitter, most said they don’t flaunt it in public or try to advertise it through clothing or accessories.
What they look at: If someone has a foot fetish, they’re (obviously) going to look at your feet and shoes and perhaps comment on them to hide their intense interest and fascination. “I figured my friend David was gay because he’d always comment on my shoes and how much he loved them. Turned out he had a shoe fetish!”, one woman told me.
What they say: If someone wants to find out if you’d be open to exploring something a little out of the norm, they’ll usually bring the topic up generally in conversation. It might be a casual, ‘So, did you get into the whole Fifty Shades thing? What did you think of the spanking scenes?”.
If you watch porn together, it’s highly likely they’ll start to navigate towards a category that includes their kink, watching your face for a reaction when they suggest it. Or they’ll suggest trying it as a joke, again, watching to see if you react with interest or horror.
Sentimental types: No-nonsense pragmatists are get-the-job-done in bed as well: not a great match for you. Instead, look for the person whose eyes go misty when someone tells a sad or touching tale. You don’t have to be into rom-coms to be romantic but you do need to be well and truly in touch with your emotional side.
People who own pets: They can accept responsibility and don’t shy from commitment or the less than savoury parts of caring for someone (early morning pee-pees when it’s freezing outside, your brand new sofa ruined by your cat).
A history of long-term relationships: This one’s not set in stone but romantics are generally less interested in flings and more likely to stick with relationships, even when they probably shouldn’t. The 40-year-old guy who’s never had a relationship last longer than a month isn’t a good bet.
Kind and considerate behaviour: Intimacy and deep connection demand a certain level of decency and reciprocity. Romantics require people to show their ‘true’ self: most of us will only open up if we’re confident the ‘real’ us is someone worth knowing.
Eye contact is crucial if soul sex is what you’re craving: Your perfect lover is unlikely to be someone who is uncomfortable if you hold their gaze for a long period of time.
If they stare at you a little too long – and rather defiantly – also steer clear. Chances are they’ll be a tad aggressive or over-the-top-intense.
Ideally, they’ll hold your gaze for (long) seconds at a time, like they really do believe your eyes are the windows to your soul, but then drop them now and then so it’s not uncomfortable.
Also watch where they choose to sit if you’re out for a drink or dinner. If they choose the seat facing you and the wall instead of the prime people-watching position, you’re onto a winner.
The more their focus is entirely on you, the more they can remain in the moment when you’re alone. You want someone who is so riveted by you – what you look like, what you’re saying – nothing is going to distract them.
Head to traceycox.com to hear Tracey interviewed on a variety of podcasts. You’ll also find her two product ranges with Lovehoney – Edge and Supersex.