What do we mean when we talk about consent in sexual-affective relationships?

In Mexico, 7 out of 10 women have experienced some type of violence or discrimination throughout their lives. Aggressions are manifested from different areas and take different forms; each of them contributes something to have as a result a woman violently murdered every two and a half hours.

Psychological violence and sexual violence are the most prevalent in this country. Among women over 15 years of age, 50% have experienced aggression of this type, according to figures from the ENDIREH (National Survey on the Dynamics of Relationships in Households) 2021 from Inegi.

This figure is frightening: half of adolescents and adult women have been victims of sexual violence. And while it’s scary, it doesn’t seem to surprise a lot of people who were born and raised in a rape culture. Where the books, the songs, the television series, the politicians and even some member of the family told us that “women say no, but in reality they mean yes”.

That is why it is fundamental and urgent to vindicate the concept of consent; when people are in a position to consent and what are the myths that we must eradicate around the tacit or explicit expressions of consent. Especially when we talk about sexual relationships.

In March 2022, in Buenos Aires, Argentina, six men were arrested and charged with the gang rape of a 20-year-old girl. In broad daylight in Palermo, one of the most touristic neighborhoods of the capital. When the news reached the media and social networks, most of the comments expressed the most dignified and legitimate: fear, anger, indignation. But it was not just one, but several users who wrote things like: “that happens to them for getting drunk and taking drugs”, “who knows how she must have been dressed”, “if she didn’t say no, I’m sure she wanted to too”.

This is what must be claimed. Consent is not only saying yes or no, it is knowing under what conditions those responses or signals are effectively the will or desire of the people with whom we share sexual relationships.

How is the consent?

• Consent is libre: must always be a voluntary and free choice for all parties involved. Examples: silence is not consent; if one of the parties says “no”, they are withdrawing their consent, no matter what happened before or after.
• Consent is conscious: It must always be a choice made and made when all the parties involved are aware of their actions. Examples: a person who took alcohol or drugs is not in a condition to consent; sexual relations under duress or intimidation are not consented; minors cannot consent.
• Consent is concrete: all parties involved must know precisely what their partners are consenting to. Examples: consenting to a kiss does not imply consenting to sex or other sexual expressions.
• Consent is reversible: No matter what was consented before a match or even during the match, all parties involved can withdraw their consent at any time they want. Consent once does not mean consent forever. Example: if you had sexual relations with a person two days ago, it does not mean that today you have to consent too; If you are in the middle of an initiated sexual act, but you feel discomfort at any point, you can withdraw your consent and stop.
• Consent is enthusiastic: must always be in line with the non-verbal expressions of all parties involved. Examples: A person who says “yes” but his body language reflects discomfort, fear, uneasiness, or uneasiness is not giving his consent.

Myths about consent in sexual-affective relationships

Eradicating the culture of rape to create, in its place, a culture of responsibility, information and respect for consent means exposing all the myths that have been reproduced for generations about sexual violence. Some of these ideas are:

“If it’s your partner, it doesn’t count as sexual violence”: No person has sexual duties with anyone, even if they are a couple. Going out with someone, going home with that person, or having had previous sexual relations does not necessarily mean that consent was given to have them on that specific occasion.

“He gave me entrance”: Rape is a violation of the integrity and sexual autonomy of a person and, consequently, it is a crime that arises from the action of the rapist. No action or speech by the victim is equivalent to consent.

“Men are not raped”: Although girls, adolescents and women make up the group most vulnerable to sexual violence due to stereotypes and misogynistic structures, the reality is that anyone is exposed to these attacks.

“Sex workers cannot be raped”: Engaging in sex work does not imply that your consent is constant and eternal. Sex workers have autonomy and the right to decide with whom, when and under what conditions they want to have sexual relationships.

sexual violence as structure

Although they are linked, rape and sexual violence are not the same thing. Sexual violence can be expressed in many ways, from verbal harassment and harassment, to physical expressions in which there was no consent of any of the parties.

Any sexual expression must be consented, and it is the responsibility of all participants to ensure that their partners are making this choice in a free, informed, conscious, enthusiastic manner and with the knowledge that they can change their minds whenever they wish.

Claiming consent is the most important step in reducing those numbers that scare us.

ana.garcia@eleconomista.mx